Platform 1 and Three Quarters

So I realized I wanted to write something in tagalog.

1. Tangina ba't ba kasi ako nag-Cebu in the first place? Siguro di ganito ka kumplekado ang buhay ko ngayon kung di na 'ko natuloy sa Cebu.

2. Nakakainis talaga ang tadhana. 'Pag andito ako sa amin, eh daming mga pangyayaring namimiss ko sa Cebu. Pero kung nandoon naman ako, eh marami rin akong namimiss dito.

3. Ba't ba kasi ako naniniwala sa karma? 'Yan tuloy, parang subconsciously, nag-eexpect ako na may mangyayaring masama sa relasyon namin... na mahuhulog siya sa iba habang nasa malayo ako.

4. Talagang karma ba yung dahilan o may trust issues pa rin ako?

5. Pramis, gustong-gusto ko na talagang mawala tong mga nakaka-BV na thoughts ko pero 'di ko talaga alam kung paano. Gusto kitang pagkatiwalaan, dahil alam kong wala kang ginagawa para di kita pagkatiwalaan.

6. At sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, parang takot na takot ako dahil lagi kong na-iisip na baka may magawa akong bagay na sobrang nakakasakal... 'gaya nalang ng ibang bagay na nagawa ko na noon. Takot akong madagdagan ang mga kasalanan ko sa'yo. Takot akong bigla mo akong iiwan kahit ilang ulit mo nang sinabi sa'kin na hinding-hindi mo yan gagawin.

7. Nakakainis na bigla ko na lang na-iisip ang ganitong mga bagay-bagay. Nakakapagod.

Feelings and more

I'm supposed to be doing my History book review due in four hours. Yet here I am, recklessly typing away my feelings at the moment.

It's so unfair how you easily you could ignore me as if I were some task at the bottom of your priority list. Why couldn't I just do the same? Why do I find myself thinking about you even as I type something academics-related? 

These days you make me feel bad about myself, and about how much I want to spend my busy days with you. When you want to accomplish something, do I totally have to be out of the picture? Well, shit. 

If that's the case, then I'm sorry for the times I try reaching out, asking how you are, waiting for you to do the same. 

I'm sorry that you had to have me as your girlfriend. I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted me to. I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry I don't seem like the girl you used to have so much fun with, the girl who used to give you inspiration. I'm sorry for doubting your sincerity, our relationship, and everything we have just because you wanted to talk to her, a friend. I'm sorry if I'm being irrational, that I'm overreacting. I'm sorry for saying sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What hurts more is that no matter how much I convince myself that you actually do mean the things you say, your actions always prove otherwise. No matter how much I want to believe that there is no reason for me to doubt anything, something always comes up and messes that up.

Are you still happy when you're with me? It doesn't show. When I'm with you, you seem to never brighten up anymore. Instead it feels like I bring more negativity in your day, in your life. And I know you've had enough of that from your academic pressures, from your family, from the movement.

Does the thought of me, of us, still bring you happy thoughts or a sense of peace? Quite frankly, there are times when I think of you, of us, and it makes me sad. What happened? Are we still okay?

Have you found another source of happiness? I hope not, because shit, that would suck.

Or perhaps you already did at some point in time before I magically appeared and messed that up for you. I'm sorry. If that's what really does make you happy, and if the our bases aren't applicable anymore, then I'm done, too. 

It's so fucking tiring already. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of trying to patch things, to reach out, and not receiving any reaction in return. Tired of how I can't stop doing so. Tired of trying to be objective. 

I want to be reckless again. 

But I just can't.

Because I don't want to lose you.

And it hurts how unsure I am if you still feel the same way too.

What happens to our "Hanggang sa Tagumpay" and even after that? 

Why am I even wasting my time on this, when you seem to don't care anymore? I guess it's time to get back to writing something that would at least make a difference in my life, a difference in my academics.

Why it hurts.

1. Maybe I'm too emotional, and I'm just over-thinking things.
2. You made time to chat with my greatest insecurity when you couldn't even make time to ask me how I am.
3. You tell her she's very beautiful; you casually joke around with her; you even tell her you had a dream about seeing her at some place, with "Only Reminds Me Of You" as a background music; and you seem to be having a hell of a good time.
4. Given those written in number three, the thought that we used to be that way before only makes it worse.
5. You even offer help in whatever way you can. And, again, you couldn't even ask me how my day went.
6. Even though it's a whole different story, all you talk about is how this all boils down to your confusion on "why I just couldn't understand that we can't always spend time together."
7. How the criticism about my "insensitivity" has somehow become an excuse. As my roommate put it, that criticism was meant to make our mass work for the movement better. And I realize she's got a point. I mean, haven't I been respecting your busyness for academics lately?
8. It just does.

To be sure

I take a few steps
away from
the past.

Trying not to
look back
but;

I do.

A deep breath,
and I sigh.

Then
I smile;
turn again; and

I
walk farther,
content.

Mission: It's Possible

It's that time of the year again! As another year approaches, we just can't help but look back at how we spent our year. The New Year has become a sorry excuse for people to make promises and resolutions to make their lives better, to make the new year far greater than the past ones. Let's get real though--not everybody can fulfill those resolutions. 

What's really amazing, though, is that no matter how many New Years have passed, how many plans we've made, and how many times we've failed, we always choose to try again. It's both a good and a bad thing, I know. But what the hell, right? I, for one, think this year will be different. I've already started in the last few months, and it's been shaky, but it only proved that it really is possible for me to "change" and stick to my plans.

Ready? I am.

Photo D // It's a Wednes-date!

Hey! Finally gonna start on my attempt at blogging about my fashion experiences. But I think I should say beforehand that my phone camera's not really that impressive compared to that of a DSLR camera, or a mere digital camera, or even that of the latest iPhone.

Oh, and by the way, I thought I'd just make my fashion-attempt blog posts into a photo diary of some sort. And it starts now!

A brief explanation for my title, "It's a Wednes-date!":

So it's Wednesday (duh), and I wore this outfit because I wanted to try something different from my usual attires, and to try out the new vintage jumper I bought at a thrift shop here in Cebu. After I put on my outfit, someone told me that I looked like I was going out to some date with my friends. So voila! It's a Wednes-date!

 

 

 

Jumper - Vintage

Polka dot pullover - Twylascloset

Clutch - Vintage

Loafers - Artwork

P.S. Okay I know you might be thinking that my poses are pretty much the same, 'cause I do too. Huhu in my defense, 1. I wasn't thinking of posting this on my blog, 2. I was rattled because I suddenly forgot the poses I see on instagram (haha), and 3. I didn't get many pictures, really. Till my next--and hopefully better--post!

 Myles C A