Feelings and more

I'm supposed to be doing my History book review due in four hours. Yet here I am, recklessly typing away my feelings at the moment.

It's so unfair how you easily you could ignore me as if I were some task at the bottom of your priority list. Why couldn't I just do the same? Why do I find myself thinking about you even as I type something academics-related? 

These days you make me feel bad about myself, and about how much I want to spend my busy days with you. When you want to accomplish something, do I totally have to be out of the picture? Well, shit. 

If that's the case, then I'm sorry for the times I try reaching out, asking how you are, waiting for you to do the same. 

I'm sorry that you had to have me as your girlfriend. I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted me to. I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry I don't seem like the girl you used to have so much fun with, the girl who used to give you inspiration. I'm sorry for doubting your sincerity, our relationship, and everything we have just because you wanted to talk to her, a friend. I'm sorry if I'm being irrational, that I'm overreacting. I'm sorry for saying sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What hurts more is that no matter how much I convince myself that you actually do mean the things you say, your actions always prove otherwise. No matter how much I want to believe that there is no reason for me to doubt anything, something always comes up and messes that up.

Are you still happy when you're with me? It doesn't show. When I'm with you, you seem to never brighten up anymore. Instead it feels like I bring more negativity in your day, in your life. And I know you've had enough of that from your academic pressures, from your family, from the movement.

Does the thought of me, of us, still bring you happy thoughts or a sense of peace? Quite frankly, there are times when I think of you, of us, and it makes me sad. What happened? Are we still okay?

Have you found another source of happiness? I hope not, because shit, that would suck.

Or perhaps you already did at some point in time before I magically appeared and messed that up for you. I'm sorry. If that's what really does make you happy, and if the our bases aren't applicable anymore, then I'm done, too. 

It's so fucking tiring already. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of trying to patch things, to reach out, and not receiving any reaction in return. Tired of how I can't stop doing so. Tired of trying to be objective. 

I want to be reckless again. 

But I just can't.

Because I don't want to lose you.

And it hurts how unsure I am if you still feel the same way too.

What happens to our "Hanggang sa Tagumpay" and even after that? 

Why am I even wasting my time on this, when you seem to don't care anymore? I guess it's time to get back to writing something that would at least make a difference in my life, a difference in my academics.